before i put quinn to bed, he and i were sitting on the couch we were just reading books and all of a sudden this ambulance went by and blared its siren JUST outside our house. it was really short- it wasn’t like when you hear it coming, it was just all of a sudden BLAM! quinn basically jumped out of his skin and was trying to crawl into mine. he did not even cry, but it was like he went deep, deep inside for about ten minutes. i was just holding him and he grabbed my hand and put it on his ear (i put my hand on his head/ear sometimes as he is falling asleep, or if he is going to sleep in the sling, it’s something i’ve done since he was tiny and i realized it seemed to really help him fall asleep and lately sometimes he’ll basically “ask” for it by putting my hand there) and he had his other hand grabbing my hair to keep my face right up with his face- i had very little range of motion, i was basically either breathing on him or kissing him, or looking right into his eyes, that was all i could move, he was clinging on so hard. i was just telling him mama’s here and whatnot and it’s ok, and that was scary, wasn’t it? and he couldn’t even talk at first, then eventually i said, did you feel really scared? and he WHISPERED “yeah” and i feel like i have never seen him that vulnerable… he got so little again in that few minutes. so we sat there. i told him what it was, what a siren was, what an ambulance was, and why they make that noise, and i told him about when he was born and we had to go in an ambulance because, honestly, that is the only reason i can think of that he would be SO affected by that particular sound. loud noises in general scare him, but THIS…. this was something beyond that. it totally triggered something for him, so i told him all that, in as least scary way as i could, and just held him and rocked him and then i asked if he wanted to lay down and have milk and he was still just above a whisper “yeah”. so he went to sleep but so did i, and then i woke up and came back out, but he was pretty fitful making dream-sounds until i came to bed, and several times i went in just to put my hand on him while he dreamed and breathe next to him so he’d feel me there, and that seemed to calm him down.
pdx… on the way to new york!
quinn and i got to just relax and settle in today with my mom being the only one around for most of the day. yest was a different story. he slept the whole second leg of the flight, woke up as we landed at 12:30, and then was up and playing and seeing everything until maybe 5 and then napped ALALLLLLL evening and woke up at 11 lol. he then kept me up until 1, and i had been ready to nap with him at 5 so i was LITERALLY falling asleep reading him books in bed, i would get through half a page and doze off, and he’d go “mama” and i’d continue the page. then we slept until 8am. it’s the rew family farm… last night was the picnic and i thought quinn was gonna wake up for that but that was when he ended up sleeping till 11. so he missed the picnic and so did i basically- i took him up
to bed and when i got back down it was over. i got to hold talan and quinn together for a few minutes at the beginning right before q dropped off, and it was just so cool. talan is so squishy and has fuzzy head still and oh. he is just adorabubble. and quinn is having an incredible time playing with the funniest things. today he got more mileage out of a 12-pack of sewing machine bobbins (the little thingies you wind thread on) and we were stacking them and rolling them down things, etc. all afternoon. he and i didn’t evem open most of our presents yet it has just been all funky.
tonight i go to tim and nat’s, and tomorrow morning to mary ellen’s, and everyone comes back here tomorrow night for dinner.
sunshine on the porch
our old rocking horse.
helping grampy pay the bills
and some way better photos, from my mom’s camera!
headed home to oregon
folk musician, age one.
had a conversation with my bff about how “quinn alwyas looks like a boy who KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS and knows what he’s doing.”
my response: i LOVE that you said this. more than you can imagine… it is really important to me actually because i see other babies and i see a lot of toddlers around with glazed over eyes and they don’t really seem to have much of a mind of their own, they just go along with things, or they have a tantrum or get into mischief sometimes, but it’s just different. quinn ALWAYS at ALL times has an agenda, and knows what he would like to do. or what he needs from me. and it is very encouraging because that has always been my goal. i believe that if you are constantly telling a baby no, and not giving them what they ask for, they learn that they are not capable of communicating their agenda, and they stop having one. whereas if i tell quinn yes, and i do my best to give him what he wants or at LEAST acknowledge “yeah those CDs sure would be fun to play with but here’s why we can’t…” which oddly enough is all he usually needs, then he’s happy to do something else… my point is, he has always been reinforced in knowing what he wants by being told he is a good communicator and therefore i think he has even MORE new grand ideas and schemes. i just love that you observe these things even just through pictures and stories, and you are picking up on things that are so near and dear to my mama heart and yet i don’t think i ever really put it to you that way before.
bff: “one thing i DO notice and compare to other peoples kids/stories, etc… is the way you two play. a#1) quinn is always doing something b#2) it’s something …i don’t know how to explain it…but smart and freeing…not a plastic toy that plays itself and lights up and makes noise. he makes his own noise and plays his own games. it tOTALLY comes across in the pictures…NO DOUBT about it…a) how smart he is and b) that he knows what he wants.”
me: i guess i think of it as a goal because of where i’m at in my own life, as an adult, and not really always knowing my own mind. i really want him to have a different experience, and to always know what HE wants. for himself… if that makes sense. i think it causes me problems, and i think it starts in early childhood. well it starts when you’re born. there are many moments like that- and yeah redirecting (let’s go make muffins instead) is a good way to deal, but at least for me, it is important to first say, i know you want to do x, here is why we can’t, i understand why it would be fun for you, or i understand you feel disappointed/sad/mad that we can’t. now let’s help ourselves feel better and go bake muffins…. or something along those lines. like not to cut off his plans for x, and distract him, i guess is what i mean- i guess for me the validating thing is a biggie- i let him know i heard him and his feelings are valid, even though we still can’t do x.
he wanted “doot doot” on the stereo and to lay on me on the couch with the pretty lights in the living room. (lately we’ve had “doot doot” on repeat – it’s pete seeger singing she’ll be coming around the mountain but quinn calls it doot doot) and then he wanted “rocking chair milk” when i suggested laying back down in the bed for milk. no, rocking chair milk. he does know his mind.
i am so impressed with him babe. tuesday we had him with summer for the hour while we went to counseling… and he did GREAT. did not cry when we left, or anything. then that night i was playing a puzzle with him, and i said, oh i saw you doing a puzzle with summer today, just like this one, did you have a good time with summer? and he nodded and said “yeah!” then he kind of got all serious and thoughtful and said “sad”. i wasn’t SURE that was what he said so i asked, did you feel sad? yeah. oh, were you sad when mama and dada had to both leave? yeah. and i said, oh i understand, that is a sad feeling. and then i said, were you happy when mama and dada came back to get you? Yeah!
and that was the end of the conversastion, he was ready for milk/bed. he is so awesome. i just love that he is starting to come up with his own assessment of his feelings…. like i am just learning how to do now at age 30. it wasn’t even in response to me asking how he was feeling- he just offered it out of the blue. my babe of a baby. he is TWENTY THREE MONTHS old!