quotidian morsels

10-9-10 all he wants is theย  earth. we had finished making our purchase of some new books and a new blank journal book for mama, and were leaving the bookstore. tug tug tug. “i need an earf…” then louder, and harder TUG TUG TUG “i NEED an EARF, mama!” hmm. “um, ok honey, can you show me what it is that you need?” yes. he leads me not-so-patiently over to the shelf of knick knacks in the bookstore, and points to a little note-holder device, the kind with the little alligator clip to hold a photo or a message. this one happened to have a base that was a miniature replica of earth. i handed him a $5 and he made his purchase. outside, i asked what he wanted to do with his new earth. “oh, i don’t know. maybe mail it to a girl.” then: “or maybe mail it to dada.” in the end, he did give it to his dad, after instructing me to write exactly the message he dictated, and instructing me NOT to put a photo of the two of them in it, that is not a good idea, mama. we taped that photo, instead, to the outside of the package after he wrapped it, using tissue paper and copious amounts of scotch tape (his new favorite item). the message says (in case you have a hard time deciphering his required font size): “love, quinn. i’m always thinking of you, dada.”

if there is one thing i think i have done right in this whole separation/coparenting ordeal, it is that i have never wavered on encouraging his love for his dad. although it is not a feeling i share anymore, i completely celebrate what a wonderful loving boy he is, and do my best to pave the way for him to keep the love flowing. it’s worth all 375 pennies.

10-10-10 riding in the shopping cart (the gargantuan car-simulating shopping cart i once swore i would never use and now use exclusively), quinn informs me regularly that he wishes for “another little guy” that he could have riding next to him, in the other seat. did i mention the gargantuan-ness? these are double-wide carts, so two small children can each have a steering wheel, as the poor parent struggles to maneuver the massive wheel squeaking groaning beast between the pitying stares of the other shoppers. being double wides, the car carts are equipped with two seatbelts. quinn is religious about his use of the seatbelts in shopping carts- to the point that on sunday we had to maneuver one seatbelt-less gargantuan cart over to one side of the cart area, in order to obtain one with working belts. he gets situated and clipped in, over to one side of it, then notices the empty space beside him. it is the one space during his days, where i think quinn feels his only-childness keenly. he’d like another little guy, that he could help strap in, who could drive me around the supermarket, side by side with him. “maybe like a baby.”

i am not in a place in life where i can foresee ever having more children, what with one thing and another (oh you know, lack of a mate, too many occupations, feeling at times like parenting one is already maxing me out, the fact that my first born came out at a whopping 11 pounds and 15 ounces and goodness knows how big a second child would attempt to be! um, ow! and the whole reality of bringing another life into the world is in so many ways too daunting to contemplate right now….) however, i can totally relate to the desire for a sibling. i ached for a sister. i never got one- well, not until i adopted my own later in life. ๐Ÿ™‚ but it wasn’t to be in my family of origin, i was to remain a girl sandwich (brother on either side of me) and you know what? i think it’s great and i’m glad, and i can point to many ways it made me a unique and strong woman. we can experience such longings, and still end up appreciating exactly what life had in store for us. i cannot guess whether quinn will ever have a sibling, but i can relate to his feelings. and i feel such joy at hearing the way he speaks of it- it’s a desire, but he’s not upset about it, and he doesn’t seem impatient. he is a guy who knows what he wants, but he can hang with what is, just as well. oh, my little man. these are the every day moments that i wish to snatch up as they flow by in the unstoppable current, to pin them to the banks for just a moment and look at them and marvel.

6 comments to quotidian morsels

  • Delicious morsels ๐Ÿ™‚ Maybe like a baby… Lol I just love that boy <3

  • marybethrew

    thanks, mama. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Beautiful writing – from both of you. Thank you so much, Love Katie x

  • beautiful. so wonderful to hear that you encourage his love to flow, unstopped by any change in your heart.

    i also have one child and won't have another. i would have tried for two if it had occured earlier. at 40, and after a horrible pregnancy, i'm not interested in going through that agin. but i do occassionally think of it. how nice it would be for her to have a play mate, someone who knew her and was there for her in that special sibling way.

    but you can't predict how siblings will get along and i know MANY who fight constantly. so i'm not sure one has a second child for the first child. you have one because you feel your heart pull to have one.

    i enjoyed reading this.

  • mamaC

    I wish I followed your blog more closely. I end up needing to binge (and can't do it right now) but had to comment that of course I know the carts you mean and now that I have ventured (twice) into a grocery store with my twins I use them exclusively, too. And ram into displays and shelves & such… And yeah it is a blessing that they are doublewides because two CAN fit nicely. And yes, it makes sense that one suddenly is the loneliest number when the setup is RIGHT THERE for #2. It so totally makes sense to want another guy at times like that, and I think my twins are especially solid at moments like that, when two is just right and we're not making do or giving up something in some way, double steering wheels and seat belts and everything.

    I think you are right on about centering in on how his feelings make sense, are acceptable, aren't something impossible to handle (or to tolerate hearing about) and don't require you to change reality (or resist his reality, because it's too hard to hear/accept because it "requires" a response or solution that is impossible.) I think, too, that this is the "ingredient" that allows sibling relationships to work when they do, whatever the age difference….this same kind of acceptance of what is (for each child) and willingness to tolerate what is real for them that makes us un-comfy (potentially) as well as what is easy and obviously "good" & fun (like when they love each other and stuff.) Allowing their love, allowing their hate, allowing their blame and outrage and illogical thinking, allowing their expressions of homicidal wishes and their complete condemnations, all seems to allow the best (in terms of a strong sense of personal well-being) to come forward, which seems to promote a strong sense of lovingness and celebration in each other, overall.

    I like how much you allow, and how you show him, by accepting and by dealing, that it's all dealable. This is a big thing to learn to handle gracefully as mamas, and it's a gift to believe it and learn it, and then to live it in a way that gifts our children with that confidence. "Wow, my feelings really are dealable, and people can handle me having them and I can handle them, too. Isn't life great and don't I feel good living it?"

    It is the coolest thing and you are not the only one who wants to catch some of these moments and reflect on what they suggest about the reality these kids are living. The great thing is that there are so many of them (moments, lol.)

  • marybethrew

    c!!!! i'm so happy to see comments from you here, mama! ๐Ÿ™‚

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