between living vicariously through real farmers, and holding my future farming intentions very much at the forefront of my attention right now, hoping to attract all kinds of power from the universe, i am sticking with the title “around the farm” for my sporadic thursday garden tours (i began doing this, inspired by farmama, and have kept on going even though there is not always a weekly post there to link to, but wanted to give credit where it’s due!)
one of the fun surprises built into my permaculture-organic-compost-lovin’ style of gardening is volunteers. i know that squashes who volunteer do not always bear good fruit, but this time i seem to have gotten lucky! our giant volunteer is far more vigorous than the one squash plant we cultivated on purpose, and has many mini yellow squashes starting to form. i can’t wait to find out what kind they are!
our avocado tree started out life as a volunteer as well… it can be seen in the window over yonder, behind the boy who fell asleep, pantsless, on the footrest. this picture kind of says it all about where he and i are at with our mama-son relationship right now: exhausted. i sure do love this guy, and celebrate his unique self-assuredness and self-knowledge and self-direction and boy is it hard not to label it defiance sometimes…. the thing is, i decided a long time ago, i do celebrate his vibrant agenda (that doesn’t always coincide with mine, oddly enough when you put two human beings with free will together) and i do celebrate that his will is super duper intact. and saying hello to that 24/7 right now is wearing me out!
but i digress… well, not really. so much of this gardeny farmy thing with me has to do with him. look at his cherub face, checking on his first ripe yellow pear cherry tomato.
instead of taking a nap on the foot stool, what i want to do with the energy i encounter pouring out from him every day, is instead of feeling it like an onslaught, and acting like i have to head butt with him, i want to absorb that energy and transform it into my own power source, into me having the same self-awareness and self-assuredness and ability to put forward my agenda to the universe that he has… and maybe actually make some forward movement with all these ideas i have. turn ideas into plans…
growing food is so empowering, and yet so often i encumber myself (not the same as cucumbering myself, which i haven’t been successful at yet- next year maybe?) and put off taking steps towards accomplishing my goals. i bog down in the everyday stuff, and dissociate whenever it comes time to roll up my sleeves and… dial a phone number. yeah, that’s my big hangup, making phone calls. i know, for someone who can drive a tractor, operate a jack hammer, run a chainsaw, wire an electrical outlet, fix a sewing machine, adjust the tension on a serger, and grow food, you’d think that itty bitty little box with a screen and numbers written on little buttons wouldn’t be so intimidating. but there it is.
so that’s why i’m here today, sharing my garden but also dwelling in my own power, making myself look at what i can do, and mustering up the guts to take one more little baby step involving speaking my truth to another human being and letting the unknown of what they might have to say in return not paralyze me with fear.
acting like i actually believe about myself what i believe about my son, that my acceptability does not rest in someone else’s hands, it shines outward from within me. i am okay.