“i like the word heal”

i like the word heal. ~ quinn

problem: hernia

probable cause: ruptured relationships. strain, burdens, incorrect creative expression.

new thought pattern: my mind is gentle and harmonious. i love and approve of myself. i am free to be me.

~louise hay, you can heal your life

and… how about that new ani difranco album?

so let the way of women

guide democracy

and from plunder and pollution

let mother earth be free

feminism ain’t about women

that’s not who it is for

it’s about a shift in consciousness

that will bring an end to war

so listen up you fathers

listen up you sons

and tell me which side are you on now

which side are you on?

~ani difranco’s lyrics to pete seeger’s which side are you on?

as soon as i read that definition of hernia by louise hay, i was ready to have surgery right then and there. i monitored said hernia through five plus years of pregnancy and breastfeeding hoping to avoid surgery until my baby was weaned. a few weeks ago it got out of control and it became really clear to me that it was this loose end from a broken past that needed to be tied up. a porthole through which the past still crept in that needed to be stitched closed for good. and i’m not the biggest fan of allopathic medicine as i’m sure you’ve gathered along the way here… but to everything there is a season, and i’ve got bigger and better things to be doing now than thinking about old ruptured relationships: i am free to be me.

oddly enough, the old ruptured relationship is still trying to cause strain and burden in my life and yet, recent developments in that department have also given me hope that those other loose ends are also finally being lifted away from me. (it got worse before it could get better and it has been exactly two weeks and three days since i’ve seen or talked to my son… but still. i see divine wisdom in the timing and the way things have come about.) my friend asked me last night how i can keep from feeling angry about what is happening right now, and although i will admit that emotion has not been completely absent, what i feel predominantly is freedom. i feel good! i feel like celebrating that the old shit no longer has a hold over me. the way i see it, i spent years of my life super gluing and duct taping that bridge back together, bending over backwards to keep quinn’s dad in the game so quinn could have a dad in his life. he would manifest a problem, sneak some beams out of the structural supports of the bridge, and i’d haul in some lumber and a screw gun and manifest a solution. but now, oh now… he just torched the bridge. and i no longer feel i have any obligation or desire to use one more shred of duct tape on behalf of bridging that gaping chasm. my resources shall be reserved for the aforementioned bigger and better things. (this just in: the bill of rights applies to me, too!)

wouldn’t it be nice if we had an amendment

to give civil rights to women

to once and for all just really lay it down

from the point of view of women

i know what you’re thinking

that’s just redundant

chicks got it good now

they can almost be president…

…in this amendment shall be

family structures shall be free

we’ll have the right to civil union

with equal rights and equal protection

intolerance finally ruined

and then there’s the kids’ rights!

(they’ll naturally be on board)

the funnel through which women’s lives are poured….

~ani difranco amendment

i love her funnel imagery- it’s all over the album artwork and woven through the songs, and i just want to be a conduit through which emotions (like love) can freely flow. i am finished being strained and clenched and clogged up with hatred and anger. i plan to waste zero energy on hating. i want to let love flow through me, i want to funnel it straight into quinn and rich and the rest of the people who love me and support me until we’re all overflowing. i’ve been humbled and awed by the enormousness of the collective consciousness that is focused on making this right. every flavor of prayer and mother bear energy is being added to the river from far and wide, and i am feeling so much gratitude.

i am confident that the truth is going to shine through to every person involved in this situation. i know who i am, and no lies about who i am have any power over me anymore.

there is something about the timing of all of this… this war i find myself dragged into fighting against my will, this physical manifestation of healing ugly past hurts, and the release date of ani’s album, coincident with the war on women that seems to be raging again/still, if i am to take any of what the media is saying about bishops and birth control, and opposition to the renewal of the violence against women legislation seriously…

really? really?! i became joe biden’s biggest fan when, in 2008, i learned that he had been the guy to originally write that law, that made it possible for me to walk in and get that restraining order that i really, really needed at that time to protect myself and my son. i caught wind of some talk that “women use these things to manipulate and take advantage of men” and even if that had an ounce of truth in it, i just have to ask, did any man ever die from that? do 3 men every day die at the hands of their violent spouses? no, they do not. yes every system is broken, but it is imperative that the system remain in place, it only comes up for renewal so that it can remain in the forefront of our minds and receive improvements, not because there was ever any doubt that it need be in place, and i am appalled that anyone would consider dividing along party lines on this crucial issue. in case anyone was wondering where i stood on that… ok i think a little bit of anger may have found a wee release valve. whoa nellie. stepping down off soapbox.

…so long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
ask yourself: will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

go with your love to the fields.
lie down in the shade. rest your head
in her lap. swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts…

~wendell berry, manifesto: the mad farmer liberation front 

i’ve just gotten word that quinn will be back with me very shortly. i can’t wait to hug him for a week straight. around here, we like the word heal.

it’s enough just to stay upright

upright in every single way

and pour your love into your children

until there’s nothing left to say.

~ani, zoo

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