my proces of choosing

i received a comment asking about my “process of choosing” when it comes to abundance, and i definitely did not want to ignore that comment. that is one of the things i have been reflecting on, and then there has also been reflecting to do on other things. and partly, if i don’t have anything nice to say, i try to opt for silence. my seventh grade art teacher mr. spicer told us about “public praise, private criticism” and while i did not grasp how important this lesson was at the time, it has grown more and more important to me as a rule to live by. i fail quite a lot, i’m not saying i actually do live by this rule all the time, but i tend to notice when i am feeling like i’ve said too much, and need to come back to my own center rather than being so up in someone else’s stuff.

my story and others’ stories intersect and overlap, and it’s hard sometimes to know where to stop telling mine so that i don’t intrude on theirs.

also on my rules to live by list (that i don’t always achieve but do find value in it) is something my yoga mentor says, and my honey reminds me quite often: don’t overthink it.

i’ve seen some good movies lately, because for many years i saw very few or none, and rich is catching me up. he is also catching himself up on chick flicks, both because he knows i can’t watch anything graphic, and because he claims it’s no good watching them when you’re a bachelor. “but now that i have an incredible girlfriend…” aww.

one was a softball movie called how do you know, and i loved the character played by reese witherspoon. i would not have liked her back in my depression days. this girl walks into a psychiatrist’s office, and walks out again about 15 seconds later, having asked one question and received one boiled down to the essence answer:

“figure out what you want, and learn how to ask for it.”

i tried to spend some time articulating my process when it comes to how i see abundance-thinking as a choice we can make, but it’s a slippery concept, and i don’t feel i have articulated it any better than what i said earlier. i tried to type up a paragraph about my day, from the perspective my therapist used to call “shit-colored glasses” and then again, with a shift in the focus towards seeing the world as abundant. the details aren’t super important, but what i found was that in the first version, i spent far more words on the events that had not been ideal that day (like my car needing a new oil pan, and my coparent getting quinn prescribed an inhaler without consulting me.) in the second version, i still mentioned those events- it’s not like they didn’t happen, but i was able to see positive aspects like the mechanic saving me money by getting an after market part, and my experience with knowing what to do with the doctor and lawyer stuff with my coparent. also different was that the first paragraph zoomed in on the gnarly stuff, while the second paragraph used a wider lens, and included quite a few more blessings i didn’t manage to mention the first time around. appreciation for rich’s gentle reminders to make phone calls i tend to be avoidant about making; a happy accident of being able to harvest lemon balm seeds from my community garden plot; successes with my etsy site; successes with rachel’s website; an offer of a sponsor spot on her blog for my work; an offer for a nanny gig that i had received the day before and was mulling over;  a meaningful email exchange with a yoga student; a spontaneous stop at the beach with quinn on the way home; nachos with guacamole for dinner.

let me tell you how easy it would be (and sometimes is) for a completely unwarranted prescription for my son to eclipse all those blessings. medical issues, and anything to do with quinn that wakes up my inner mama bear, are particularly triggering to my old tendency to default to shit colored glasses. car trouble on top of that, and this is a day i would have once upon a time categorized squarely under “bad”. but with the wide angle lens of awareness and a guiding principle of believing in abundance, it was actually a pretty good day, all things considered. file under “abundance”.

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i chatted with my mom the other day before quinn woke up, but when he did wake up, he wanted to talk, and then before i knew it, he was having a bit of a blood sugar issue, and a downturn in his mood. breakfast was quickly administered. but not before he got to process through some emotional stuff.

“it’s not fair! luke and kora get to see their grammy every day, and i never get to see my grammy! it’s not fair!!!”

~~~

another movie we just watched was extremely loud & incredibly close. i don’t recommend it. it was an amazing film, and very well done, deserving of awards, but i sobbed and sobbed and if you are anything like me and tend to internalize movies more than is healthy (i spent days recovering from what dreams may come, and steel magnolias always lingers with me the day after i cry my way through it) i would recommend steering clear. still, i told rich that for myself, i wouldn’t go back and unwatch it. the child who played the lead role reminded me in some ways of quinn, and i wanted to scoop him up, gangly arms and legs and all, and hold him. he said at one point, “they tested me for asperger’s disease, but the tests were inconclusive.”

by the way, nobody is testing quinn for anything. it feels a bit like we fell in between the couch cushions of life in the schooling/counseling department. no counselors so far feel he needs any evaluations, and in the frustratingly long interim, the spot at our living school has been filled. awaiting the abundance of inspiration that is clearly not quite here yet in this area.

~~~

meanwhile, rich and i had a nice weekend doing nothing and not going anywhere. he put on some music. he is like me, in that our musical choices are rarely random. yesterday he put on “you and me sunday driving, not arriving, on our way back home, we’re on our way home, we’re on our way home, we’re going home.”

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