sent via raven

dear quinn,

i miss you so much, sweetie. this is the longest you and i have ever been apart, and i am feeling very sad to be away from you. i remember one time waking up with you and hearing you tell me that you had dreamed of a raven, and that the raven had come to tell you not to be afraid, and that it had come to watch over you. i think both you and i have raven medicine and that raven is watching over us both while we are apart. i have always heard that one of raven’s gifts is that of messenger, and since raven speaks to us both, i believe she will carry the message to your heart from mine that i love you as big as the sky.

i have been wearing your beaded necklace on my wrist, the one on the pink string that you wore for the past several weeks, and had me take off a day or so before i last dropped you off with your dad. so much has happened since then that i’ve wanted to tell you about or do with you. the day i was going to pick you up was thursday and on friday i wanted to take you to the beach and go tidepooling- there have been a few really nice beach days. i know that you are still seeing glimpses of the ocean now and then, and i hope that you have also been getting my message sent over the winter gray waves that i love you as big as the ocean.

that saturday was the children’s festibal that you talk about all year long, where you get the balloons you love so much that float up in the air on the end of a string. i felt sad that we didn’t get to go to the festibal together this year. i don’t know if you got to go to it or not. i do know that i want to get you more balloons on your birthday, next week, when you turn five.

i want to bring you to the play with me this friday. i want to play a hundred games of uno with you with our cards laid out on the floor in front of us. i want to hold you on my lap and listen to the last few installments of sparkle stories you haven’t gotten to hear yet. (don’t worry, i’m saving them for you.)

i feel very confused by what has happened, and i can only imagine that you probably feel confused too, about many things. it is hard to understand anything when we can’t be together to talk about things and figure them out together. i think we will be able to do that soon, and i feel very strongly that you and i will be ok, that we will still be the same mama and quinn, and that we will heal from this, even though right now it hurts us both. the day before i took you to your dad’s the last time, you drew a beautiful picture of you and me snuggled together in the big bed. you colored in the snuggly gray blankets and the soft red violet sheets and you drew me big and you tiny, tucked in the snuggle space beside me. i have been looking at that picture to remind me how much you love me. it helps me feel better when i miss you, to think of soon getting to snuggle with you again. and it helps me know that you had good happy feelings in your heart that day.

sweet boy, i love you as big as the sky, as big as the ocean, all the way to the moon and back again 150 gazillion times.

love, mama


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