encouragement from crab

i was tagged in a facebook post by a woman whose friend is having surgery for breast cancer, with a request for sending love and encouragement from one woman to another, so her friend would arrive home to a pile of cards and well wishes. it is easy to ignore such a post, because i think it makes us face our own fears, and what do you even say anyway, and then there is the fact that i don’t even know this woman.

but i do know her on some level, don’t i?

aside from the fact that she is a friend of a friend, we’re all one, when it comes right down to it. so i decided to snail mail it up, sent her a mix cd, a buoy quote in a card that i printed, and some beach sand in a film canister. it felt nice to share, and it prompted me to do a teensy amount of writing as well, which i will also share here, in case anyone else can use some encouragement today.

this crab jumped out of the card pile to come to you and i figured out why. cancer and crab are written together in the stars, but i see another layer of meaning. crab wears protective armor on the outside, and follows the moons and tides just the way all of us women do in the salt water cycle of our blood and tears. what’s inside is vulnerable and soft, but crab is tenacious, knowing how to hold on, clinging to rocks as challenging waves wash over, knowing when the best way forward is sideways. crab intuits what needs to be shed, and though it can be extremely vulnerable when it is exposed, it replaces its armor, a little bit stronger each time, taking what it needs to rebuild it from the healing waters of the ocean surrounding it.

i wanted to send you a little beach sand and ocean healing magic, from one woman to another.

simmering a rew part 4 ~ salt and pepper to taste

continued from simmering a rew part 3

<3 <3 <3

then i drew some cards about me (focusing on my work, friendships, and family)…

“soul knows the way,” a seabird soaring just outside a city tells the story of tuning in to the intuitive whispers even when there is a lot of loud distraction at hand.

sunset west IMG_4034

and

“potential,” the acorn, in possession of all it needs to become an oak tree, if the right nutrients, climate, soil, circumstances are present. “we can also open to, and seek, community. actualizing potential relies on interdependency.” yes we can. i am so thankful for the friends i know i can lean on, and who can lean on me, in a beautiful dance of giving and receiving. a tree cannot thrive, nor even begin to grow, without its community.

isn’t it funny how clearly we can perceive the messages when they are about other people? i am not really sure what to make of these mb cards this round, not sure if i am actualizing my potential, not sure if my soul knows the way to doing so. there is loud distraction and yet it’s possible to stay pointed true to one’s course. i am succeeding at staying the course in the important ways (keeping the heart-shaped lens in focus), and maybe, one day, my work will truly line up with all of the curled potential within me. i think there’s more to me than skilled labor in exchange for a paycheck, however big a relief it is to me in this current life season to have gainful employment.

like a big spiky ball IMG_4100

at the time i drew the cards, i had been seeing owls a lot. one was actually right by the vacation house, and another one was along the highway coming back from a friend’s house. i was almost surprised not to draw any owl cards, though the cards i did draw made sense. then i picked out one more card, just last week, with my writing in mind. this time i drew the barn owl; heart-shaped face, mascot for this lighthearted year i’m embarking on. i have quite a few future post ideas (and even some post series) a-brewing and a-simmering, but they are coming along like molasses in january, so it almost feels to me like i’m not producing any results at all. here’s what the spirit owl card had to say about that:

this peaceful creature is wintering away in a calm trance, a sitting prayer of silence and deep connection. owl wakes us up to the truth, and then cuddles us in his downy feathers to enjoy the dreamlike nature of quiet honesty. open your heart wide, as barn owl’s heart-shaped face invites and discover yourself without limits. then sleep on it.

myself without limits… the curled potential within, discovering itself without limits. i’m not there yet, but i do like the idea that i’m in a sitting prayer of silence (sort of, except for this verbosity), while these ideas steep and await their season of waking and unfolding.

<3 <3 <3

while i didn’t make an actual list of new years’ resolutions, i did settle on a few intentions that kept popping into my mind. in no particular order, i intend to see some live music with my man this year, shave my legs at least a few times, go to a doctor, a dentist, and get a new pair of glasses for myself, and administer regular self care with special emphasis on my top three high-octane practices: baths, writing and taking pictures.

my two IMG_4112

taking pictures outside, to be exact.

i muddled my way through my new health insurance plan, chose a dentist (the one rich sees), a doctor (a holistic-sounding osteopath/acupuncturist who is incredibly “in network” on my plan; rich thinks he should go see her, too, why not share all of our health care providers? in sickness and in health, as the saying goes. or is it, what’s mine is his?) and the eye exam can wait a few months, since i did actually attend to that in 2015 (all three of us see the same optometrist).

during the first leg shave of 2016 i was overcome by a wave of apathy and almost didn’t do the second leg, but somehow stuck it out and finished the job. it’s really not important to me either way, but a certain someone appreciates this detail. like rinsing eggs before i crack them, i will happily do it forever because it matters to that sweet someone.

we’re working on being proactive on the health part, and the “in sickness” has been a doozy this season for us as well. being sick in tandem is part of the journey. we’ve reached a new level of our relationship now that we’ve heard each other puke. then we got sick again; this time the eye-burning, hair-hurting fever/chill variety of ouch, which we seem to be laden with again just two weeks later (now). yes, i’ll take sickness and health with this guy. he lets me brew up hippie concoctions of garlic, ginger, cayenne, honey and lemon to soothe his throat, and smiles even bigger if i add a splash of whiskey before handing it to him. and in the healthy times, i send him vague texts about photographing at the beach as he finishes his work day, knowing he will come take a walk with me to make sure i’m not being swallowed by any sneaker waves while i’m holding my camera up to my face. we take care of each other like that.

green IMG_3945

alright, i’ve written enough. it’s your turn. what are you simmering? what’s on your back burner? how are the winter months treating you? what do you add to your best cold-fighting concoction? tell me about ways you find inspiration and affirmation. what are your top three high-octane self care practices? what do you see, right now, if you look through a heart-shaped lens? share in the comments!

simmering a rew part 3 ~ stir in wild ingredients

continued from simmering a rew part 2

<3 <3 <3

with quinn in mind, and with thoughts of his life in general, his schooling, and his karate practice (at the time i pulled the cards, his dojo was undergoing a leadership transition), i pulled two cards with “wild” in the title. the first, a painting of coyote, was titled exactly that: wild. “wild, organic curiosity leads you right where you were already going.” good old trickster coyote, teaching us, albeit in riddles, how to follow our intuition.

rain biker IMG_4015

and secondly, an image of a basket of cranberries. “wild bounty – abundance at hand!” the idea that hand in hand with successes come some anxiety and even overwhelm, but the fruit is ripening, so keep breathing through “the positive stress of success. make jam!” he is certainly thriving and growing and ripening in all sorts of ways, he’s the picture of abundance, that boy. and here we are, right where we were already going.

splash IMG_4125

i’ve been trying, in spite of seasonal hibernation tendencies, to make sure we get a regular dose of “wild” in our lives, and whenever we catch an afternoon weather window we have been hiking or biking or heading to the beach. on his most recent bike ride, one of his training wheels finally fell off.

trees below IMG_3973

wheel still on…

through IMG_4023

riding in the clouds IMG_4027

ripple IMG_4033

wheel off!

he responded in the usual change-resistant quinn way and insisted i needed to fix it then and there, but soon he was back to riding with one training wheel, the other one tucked away in my bag for safe-keeping like a lost tooth. a little salt-air rust can be a boon when you have a kid who may never voluntarily remove the training wheels.

blue and gold IMG_4017

sun come up it was blue and gold…ever since i put your picture in a frame… i’m gonna love you til the wheels come off oh yeah… i love you baby and i always will ever since i put your picture in a frame ~tom waits

rainbow bike IMG_3966

some days, it’s about convincing him just exactly how big he is, and encouraging him to step into a more independent, bigger-kid role, even if the very next moment is about letting him be surrounded by bigness, to remind him how small he is, we all are, in comparison to the great big wild world.

big IMG_4139

i hear him giggle from his bed where he is reading through his calvin and hobbes book yet again. then, “mama, when calvin’s mom tells him it’s time for a bath, he turns himself into a particle of light and zooms away too fast for her to catch him!” i tuck the light particle in my heart and carry it around with me.

pose IMG_4116

<3 <3 <3

click here to continue reading simmering a rew part 4

simmering a rew part 2 ~ heat thoroughly

continued from simmering a rew part 1

<3 <3 <3

the demise of summer/fall seems to be what prompts me to traditionally pull some cards from the two decks full of magic and bioluminescence that i keep on hand for inspiration and affirmation, and once again i pulled some for my man and my boy as well as myself. the man cards… turkey vulture and st. john’s wort, all flow and generosity. no big surprise there. flow; of our housing adventures in short sale negotiation, he summed things up with, “it was starting to feel forced, so i knew we needed to go a different way.” generosity: the quote by hafiz on the second card :

“even after all these years, the sun never says, ‘you owe me.’ imagine a love like that. it lights up the whole sky.”

is one i’ve used to describe his love for me before, and it is still so fitting, even after all these years.

yellow IMG_4016

whole sky, lit up

and even after all these years, there are new surprises. at a fancy birthday dinner for his mom, rich added a drop of cream to his dessert coffee. i was shocked, because in four years, he consistently uses a giant dollop of honey (or raw sugar if no honey is available) and never once have i seen him use creamer. “i don’t even know who you are anymore,” i fake-wailed, and we shared a belly laugh over our flourless chocolate torte with homemade lavender ice cream.

wait IMG_4165

friday’s sunrise on rich’s truck: “hold on, honey, don’t drive away yet…”

rich told me back in september that he didn’t like hearing me laugh with quinn’s dad over some of the things quinn had said about his first day of school (it was a dad week, so i was getting the first day report over the phone). rich was really careful about how he talked to me about it, careful not to make me out to have done anything wrong, while still communicating a request that i not do it again. it was more protective than jealous. he talked about how he likes my “very musical laugh” and reminded me “he doesn’t deserve it.” imagine someone having an objection to something you’ve done, and while telling you that, managing to make you feel like you’ve just been given a compliment and told how much you’re treasured.

imagine a love like that.

anniversary sushi 20151222_172833

our sushi anniversary date

<3 <3 <3

click here to continue reading simmering a rew part 3

simmering a rew part 1 ~ soup starter

sifting through post drafts, i decided to simmer a bunch of separate ingredients in one soup pot, hoping they will complement one anothers’ flavors. one is too tangy alone, one is much too sappy, and still another one has an overpowering kick. it’ll either turn into a pleasingly balanced, wholesome chowder of words, or it will boil over and become too long for anyone to actually read, but either way, i will get several lingering unfinished pieces out of my system. since today happens to be mardi gras, i’ve decided i’m cutting myself off of any more editing and serving it up!

on my brainstorm list for a 2016 word were joy, ease, love, enjoy, and laugh… especially laugh. when lighthearted came to me, it felt like it embraced the whole list, and fit so perfectly with my intentions for the year. occasionally i take on the offhand comments people make in cyberspace about how talking about our life and how wonderful it is is hurtful and offensive to those who feel their lives fall short; a sidebar to this is that surely we are not writing #truth nor being #authentic if we post mostly good things. then i remember a blog is a space to reflect on what is salient to us, and for many of us, what is salient is the magic and bioluminescence, rather than the autopsies of our failures. of the four agreements, i consider number 2 to have been the most transformative for me: don’t take anything personally. i love how kelle hampton covered this topic when it comes to how we handle brags from fellow mamas.

how we represent ourselves on screen can be subject to an increasing degree of scrutiny. to be clear, i have not felt judged or analyzed by any of my dear readers. my older brother could always stab me in the gut with “we can’t all be perfect like you” when we were both clueless teenagers and felt like we had something to fight about (we get along great now that we are over the comparing). i find there is always room for improvement on implementing agreement number 2. breathe out: none of my business what other poeple think. breathe in: lightheartedness.

east IMG_4042

i’ve talked about why i write, and it has to do with leaving myself an unbroken string i can cling to and follow back to myself, not what anyone out there thinks of me. i also fantasize that one day, quinn might appreciate the glimpses of his childhood i’ve been preserving in jars and lining up on the cool, dark shelves of cyberspace. my housemate recently returned from louisiana after her grandmother’s funeral and told me that her brother still has a jar in which maman stored a prepared roux for gumbo. she said her brother still puts some roux back in the jar each time he makes one, carrying maman’s recipe forward. it struck me how those remaining particles of oil and flour lovingly stirred over heat by maman are reaching forward through time, even after her passing, and nourishing her descendants.

jump IMG_4132

i have been frank about the concept of choice in my emotional landscape: i make a conscious effort to see life through a heart-shaped lens, i’ve made no secret of this. i tried the shit-colored glasses for a few years, and it didn’t feed me, didn’t help me thrive, silenced me, bogged me down, just about killed me. for me, there has to be an intentional leaning into the positive, so that i don’t fall back into an over-used (but now becoming overgrown with brambles) neural groove.

disclaimer: trying on a heart-shaped lens outlook is only a viable strategy to avoiding depression if one is free of abusive situations. i am not advocating a practice of downplaying and minimizing turmoil, or attempting to overcome by this method the depression that inevitably accompanies abuse. i tried this a long while ago, but people couldn’t trust what i said, as it always came out distorted when i was caught up in that cycle. to put a positive spin on actual shit is dishonest. even if you’ve taken off the shit-colored glasses, even viewed through a heart-shaped lens, shit is still shit. please exit abusive situations before trying this at home. end public service announcement.

the heart-shaped lens is for revealing the light in a life that is already richly woven through with light, and just needs you to pay attention to it. it’s like developing beach vision – anyone who has trained the eye to find sea glass or sand dollars or fossil shark’s teeth or fossil snails while beach combing knows that there is looking, and there is looking. you start seeing more of them once you’ve seen the first one. when you make a decision that from now on, you’ll start looking up in the trees when you go for a hike, you end up seeing eagles a lot more often than you used to. the old trusty slogan, fake it till you make it, is a bizarrely accurate truth furnished by 12 step programs concerning this alchemy of which i speak. the love is out there, you trust that enough that you decide to see it, and lo and behold, you start to see it all around you. a powerful writer named ra whose blog i recently stumbled upon talks about intentionally recognizing what is “frightfully wondrous” in life, and this in spite of what i’d call her bigger-than-your-average constellation of hardships. it’s not about superimposing a shape onto the world around me, or pushing shit through a heart-shaped extruder to try to dress it up. it’s just the way i am channeling the already-shining light, revealing a shape that was already there, just waiting to be beheld.

<3 <3 <3

i attended a yoga/writing workshop in early january that reinforced the idea for me that the truth-telling i do is full of choices; what to include, what to leave out. if we are to “be in collaboration with inspiration” (quoting elizabeth gilbert), it is a process, a craft, a honing of words.

our first writing assignment was to write about a moment from 2015, including a key, a bowl of soup, and trouble (conflict). we free-wrote for about 15 minutes, and then we distilled our paragraphs down to their very essence by limiting ourselves to the 17 syllables of a haiku. our teacher asked us to pick one “headlight” moment where we came to a big realization. i chose my decision to see our eviction from our cozy country home last year as a vacation, which filled a year that could have been experienced as traumatic instead with warm memories of rest and comfort. the conflict (hostile landlord) and the key (to the vacation house) were obvious, and the bowl of soup was the gumbo, both literal and figurative, that was spiced up by the addition of new friends (with louisiana roots), a new home, and new life-enhancing experiences.

enrich the gumbo

uprooting turned vacation

refuge lies within

<3 <3 <3

summer memories of sunshine and hummingbirds on the porch have begun to fade away, and in this season when both breakfast and dinner may involve a roux, (they both always require a rew, of course), the biscuits and gravy, alfredo, chowder, and gumbo seem to set a slower pace of the blood through our veins.

unraveling IMG_2783

i solemnly swear not to unravel

it’s good for me to remember this as the november-december-january blur of wet-cold-dark-blah starts to feel endless. this time of year, i am the most vulnerable to overwhelm, and i have to be the most wary of an old tendency of mine to seasonally unravel. instead i have to see it as a season of allowing myself “no” as an option, and choosing rest and down time, and not feeling bad about partial hibernation. there is the least amount packed into the calendar (compared to may and june, ha! this is nothing!), and yet, i need to set the bar even lower than that, and flake out on so many things, just to function. self-judgment can creep in, if i am not vigilant. when i am trying to round up malfunctioning equipment and the lab procedure i’m doing takes hours longer than expected so that not only am i running late to pick quinn up from school, but i have to go back to work after karate to finish up, and when i do pick him up from school, i have to make nice with my coparent’s girlfriend who is picking up her kids, as if at one point in time she did not accuse me in front of a crowd of local child welfare experts of child abuse, and meanwhile said child is, to put it nicely, requiring additional scaffolding in certain executive functioning areas involving personal responsibilities for hygiene and self care, his noncompliance manifesting as either completely blowing me off or launching into arguments with me about said responsibilities, which aren’t negotiable, and by 4:00 that day i’ve decided not to send any christmas cards this year after all. so many things are buried in storage, and my fun limit has been reached with that, but hey let’s have an hour-long phone call with a confusingly awesome new contractor i’m supposed to sign a letter of intent to work with, or not supposed to, depending on who i ask, and by the way, show up for myself at the bargaining table (where is my drive to negotiate, my son has this drive in excess, why not me?) and feeling nauseous trying to work out whether this company is too good to be true, or trying to sell me a used car. decide to skip all school board meetings, regardless of pertinent concerns being addressed therein (but do send a letter to the board), and skip holiday parties to which i have been invited.

i work here IMG_3960

but hey, i work here. it’s not so bad.

<3 <3 <3

click here to continue reading simmering a rew part 2

~rainbow mondays~ providence

red2

red: spent the weekend on a road trip with this handsome fellow. we did not intentionally both pack our red shirts to wear on sunday, it just happened. we got to hear live music together (gary clark jr!) and then spend a day with the pancakes. this photo was taken while apple foraging on our way home through the land of free apples.

orange

orange: this tree is more of a rainbow all of its own, but i particularly liked the orange leaves.

yellow

yellow: we found our own personal patch of chanterelle mushrooms and threw them in the gravy for salisbury steak.

green

green: stag making an appearance.

blue

blue: and also hawk, on a blue backdrop we are starting to see less and less of.

purple

purple: the abundance of the fall harvest, as we store up food for the winter. i have to attribute this 20 pound box of (purple! i told them to give me whatever kind was cheap) onions to providence, i ended up getting it for next to nothing, at a time when i was not really sure how i would pay for it. i just knew we’d need them, so i ordered them. not that i think of this as brilliant financial policy, overall, but i do think there is a lot to trusting that what is needed will be provided.

may this week bring you much abundance!

~rainbow mondays~

a splash of color on monday morning

a photo study documenting the colors of the spectrum: the balance points between light reflected and light absorbed

good morning, spirit helpers

good morning, spirit helpers (elk)

the day i brought quinn home after our 3 weeks and a day apart, we happened upon our local elk herd, grazing  peacefully beside the road. this has happened to us about 20 times in the past 3 months, as well as everyone else with the same commute, so that doesn’t necessarily mean we have elk medicine, right? yet somehow all those mamas and their gangly teenagers and young children and pregnant friends felt like kindreds to me that day more than any other. yesterday we caught them as they were crossing the road and got to see the whole herd up close again, watching us as intently as we were observing them, and as usual a little voice in the backseat greeted them, “good morning, spirit helpers!”

as with all borrowed spiritual ideas, “spirit helpers” has been a concept we have had to try on, and break in, and feel our way through understanding and applying it to our own lives, or choosing not to, if it didn’t fit. it turns out, it does fit. and i know there are folks who think borrowing from native traditions is a no-no, but i am this way with my whole spiritual path. very little of it is my own original thought. after all, religion, as joseph campbell pointed out, is about “linking back” or connecting ourselves back to something bigger, something before (campbell used the latin religio to define it thus). and so for my own personal journey, i feel like borrowing and trying on is ok. it is the only means i have of making a connection back to so many of the world’s spiritual ideas, but i want to embrace whatever tools and concepts can enrich or lives, whether or not i was born with some sort of entitlement to them. (does anyone really have a claim on the natural world, the source of all of these spirit helpers, anyway?)

so what is an elk spirit helper all about? i like to think of spirit helpers as friends on the journey who remind us of who we are and why we’re here, to help remind us of traits we strive for, and help us celebrate ones we already embody. watching this herd of mother elk banded together, i am brought right back to here and now, where i am doing the hard work of mothering in the face of many threats, but not alone- i have many other mamas on my side. for the elk, spring is birthing time, and the elk mamas support each other, just as we might bring a pot of salmon chowder over to our human friend who has just given birth. mothering, at its best, is non competitive. it’s a cooperative effort- it takes a village, a community of friends, reminding each others’ children to speak with kindness towards their mama, or take their muddy boots off when they come inside the house. our children thrive from hearing from the chorus of women’s’ voices rather than one lone mama singing solo. and we mamas, we elk women, are a force to be reckoned with when threatened. don’t let our peaceful grazing and child rearing fool you. there is incredible strength, stamina and nobility behind all that soft, fleshy, motherness. we mamas got each others’ backs.

we’re also tapped into the spirit realm. though the bull elk are the ones with the big antlers, the mamas are also sensitive to the energy out there, able to pick it up on our receivers, though they might not be as big or obvious. there is nothing like a mama’s intuition to guide her through the tough times.

good afternoon, spirit helpers (hawk)

driving along the willamette valley to get to and from track meets, i have been spotting hawks like crazy by the sides of the road. i’ve always had a pretty good eye for wildlife, but with the hawks it has gotten kind of disproportionate, to the point where they are blatantly obvious to me, even though no one else in the car, even self-proclaimed hawk people, are missing some of them. as though they are there just for me. which they just might be… there has been a huge focusing of the collective consciousness around quinn and my coparenting/custody situation in the past few months, taking many forms such as prayer of all varieties. over a span of years i have been attempting to sift through the aspects of christianity (the religious tradition that i was born into) that work for me, vs those that do not, in an honest attempt to not throw out the baby with the bathwater. my own spirituality is its own unique blend of things that work for me, collected from everywhere and from within my own self (and i would submit that for all of us this is true…). while rejecting the whole of christianity (baby and bathwater) felt right for a time, i am no longer in that place (for me, there’s still lots and lots of bathwater. i am still in that place). i gotta say, some christians take prayer seriously, folks. and i like that about them. i like prayer. it has taken me a long time to arrive at a place where i can say that, but here i am. whether you are sending it out through a smoke ring released from a sacred pipe, or kneeling at an altar, or simply focusing your consciousness while you’re doing whatever you’re doing, i have come to the conclusion for myself that prayer is a powerful act. when all those people all around the country (christian, buddhist, pagan, and too many others to be named) all pray with one purpose in mind, it is a pretty profound thing. and sometimes the answers we receive come in the form of fleets of hawks, their sheer numbers overwhelming us with the power of it all. they circle around the sky, carrying prayers upward and outward and cycling back again with the comforting message that i am not alone in all of this.

hawks have keen long range vision and they soar above it all, or perch high above in a tall tree, soaking in the big picture perspective. insights flow so much more freely from that vantage point. and while it’s no good to always be zoomed way out in a wide-angle view like that- there are plenty of little details that require a mama to zoom in on them each day- the ability to take a step back from a particular event or emotion or reaction is often quite quite useful. thank you for that wisdom, hawk.

sometimes taking the long view of things means we put our reactiveness on hold while we prioritize the more important lesson to our children. rather than telling my son what i think about something his dad has said to him about me, and making sure to point out his wrong and making sure to get my side of the story in edgewise, the lesson i am really trying to impart here is think for yourself. not listen to dad, nor listen to me, just… listen to you. please, my son, never lose track of the you in there, the person inside, your compass bearing of true north can never come from any of us, even if we are your parents. you are the guy who has got to find truth for you. hawk helps me to hold onto that larger need, that overarching goal for my son, and let go of the pettiness and the need to vilify my coparent or boost myself up in my son’s eyes.

just as elk share safety in numbers, hawk is independent, hawk’s insights are its own. although hawk is soaring above it all, she trusts her intuition and before looking outward, seeks her own answers from within. soaring full circle, spiralling inward, outward, upward.

good evening, spirit helpers (owl)

as hawk is to daytime, owl is to the darkness. owl sees in ways that other beings cannot, through the black night. owl is still a mysterious spirit helper to me, though i have been aware of it as part of my make-up for a while now. owl is stealth, flying on silent wings, going silently and subtly. without a fuss, without reactiveness. coming home a couple weeks ago after dark, an owl swooped low directly along the center line of my car, scaring me “half to death” (interesting how owl is the totem associated with death), and flashing a blaze of feathers at my windshield before veering off just as suddenly into the dark void. (i’m scratching my head as to why i am driving every time i encounter my friends lately- obviously i am driving too much!) my sleeping son in the backseat did not get to say good evening to this spirit helper, but i have been aware of owl ever so much more in my life since quinn came into it (if a mama can presume to be aware of her child’s spirit helpers). thinking of the death aspect of owl can be especially scary given that owl flies close to my son, but as with every aspect of spirit helpers, there is a flip side to each trait. owl also reigns over rebirth, renewal, healing. there is deep healing in owl’s silent wings. and nothing else about mothering has been more central to the experience than how closely birth and death are intermingled, starting from day one when my son was whisked into a nicu ward. being a mama is being given a gift so huge, and yet being vulnerable to lose in ways that devastate beyond comprehension. the magic of the owl’s realm of night time remains a mystery to me, in spite of having owl for a friend.

as a mama there are so many thoughts (like ones about mortality) running around like squirrels and being generally unhelpful. it’s a good thing i have owl on the path with me to keep down the squirrel population in my head… 😉

 

bioluminescence

"hey, baby"

a portrait of the artist as a ctenophore

i have been fascinated by bioluminescence since long before i knew it by that name. one of the best things about growing up in the northeastern united states on a farm with big grassy meadows was the abundance of fireflies- a nightly summer sight that will always top my list of things i miss most  about the east coast. as an undergraduate, i learned that unlike the handful of terrestrial species (such as fireflies) that glow at night, the marine environment is home to thousands of species that produce their own light. mind blowing! more important than the facts i learned, however, were the many experiences i was fortunate to have involving some of those creatures. again, i managed to matriculate in an area (long island’s east end) where fairly often, there was low enough ambient light and high enough concentrations of bioluminescent critters in the sand that night time walks on the beach (taken with great frequency by procrastinating college students) were often a dance workout, wherein groups of us would drag our feet and hands along the wet sand on the edge of the ocean in order to watch the streaks of glowing light.

as a SEAmester student, i was  immersed in bioluminescent experiences figuratively (almost nightly our schooner created a glowing bow wake, just from sailing through the water and disturbing the dinoflagellates swimming there, causing them to emit their glow) and literally (we took a swim in a bioluminescent bay in la parguerra, puerto rico, and got to watch our own bodies glowing head to toe from the plankton adhered like dot-to-dots along our skin and swimsuits). one of my favorite visions of all time is watching dolphins race along beside the boat, the night too dark to actually see them, but knowing their presence from the way the water was streaked with light and the sound of their exhalations each time they’d surface. i continued my love affair with bioluminescence later on when i was employed as a professional mariner (doesn’t that sound more awesome than “deckhand” or “schooner bum”?) and have been known to jump in the water at night, right off the side of the ship in port, even in places (filled with ctenophores) as unlikely as new jersey.

glowing ctenophore in watercolor, tweaked in photoshop

shine your light

“the question of why so many animals are bioluminescent still does not have a satisfactory answer.” – S. Haddock (et al.) bioluminescence in the sea (annu. rev. mar. sci. 2010 2:443-93.) (gotta love the open access movement in the scientific literature… you, too, can read this review- all 50 pages! i know you’re as excited as i was!)

translation: “we dunno.” -me

what do the leading scientists in the field mean, they don’t know?! let’s break it down. we are talking about generating light on a cellular level. light, radiating not from the sun, not from electrical current…. but from reactions that take place within the very cells of the organism. light from within living beings. and get this, according to wikipedia, “all cells produce some form of bioluminescence within the electromagnetic spectrum, but most are neither visible nor noticeable to the naked eye. every organism’s bioluminescence is unique in wavelength, duration, timing and regularity of flashes.” all cells! that includes mine, and yours, and everyone else’s! we all have the ability to generate light from within, and illuminate the darkness surrounding us. now if that’s not a sacred truth brought straight to you by the natural world, i don’t know what is.

so it turns out, science can unlock all sorts of mysteries of how the chemistry and physics and biology behind this phenomenon work, what enzymes catalyze which reactions, and so on. but science isn’t satisfied with the explanations of why these things even happen (though science assumes it will someday know…)  for me, the question itself  is where i find  satisfaction, i am just as happy as a bioluminescent bivalve that these mysteries exist and even happier that yes, it is possible that some questions will never be answered by science. i think it is important, as scientists, as human beings, to hold that space for the possibility of mystery.

but before i get carried away with the spiritual aspects of bioluminescence,

a few definitions

bioluminescence, simply put, is the emission of light by living organisms, and it also refers to “the light so produced”. either way, what we have here is a noun. creatures are said to be bioluminescent (adj.) if they are capable of pulling off this amazing feat. as mentioned, we are all bioluminescent- it’s just that the particular wavelength we emit may not always fall within the visible-to-us portion of the spectrum.

not to be confused with some related phenomena:

fluorescence: light produced when external energy is absorbed by the organism, and then emitted again by it immediately.

phosphorescence: a form of fluorescence where the energy is absorbed, stored and slowly re-emitted (in this case, we’re still getting energy from an external source. think glow-in-the-dark star stickers on your ceiling- they need to be charged up by having light shined on them.) the term phosphorescence was in vogue for a long time, and often used interchangeably to refer to what we now understand to be bioluminescence.

“PHOSPHORESCENCE. Now there’s a word to lift your hat to…to find that phosphorescence, that light within, that’s the genius behind poetry.” ~ Emily Dickinson

noctiluca scintillans, a bioluminescent dinoflagellate (roughly 1 mm in size)

bioluminescence, on the other hand, is light actually produced from within the organism. no external energy source! ok, technically we’re all solar powered either directly through photosynthesis, or indirectly through eating photosynthetic beings, but the light in this case is not just re-emitted sunlight, it is generated by a chemical reaction within the cells of the organism.

light, in general, is produced when an electron absorbs energy, is excited (moved) to a higher orbit, and releases a photon (packet of energy) as it falls back to its home orbit. in bioluminescence, that excitation happens due to a chemical reaction. luciferins are the chemicals involved in making light. luciferases are enzymes that catalyze the oxidation reactions that produce the light (via the oxidation of the luciferins).

in many cases, the organism does not produce its own luciferins, but obtains them through “trophic interactions,” in other words, they have to eat the right thing to be able to shine. (can you relate?) because, get this: some luciferins are related to chlorophyll- some of them only require the rearrangement of a few metal ions in order to switch from chlorophyll to luciferin. scientists speculate that the organisms at the bottom of the food web who are capable of making this compound may actually convert back and forth between the two on a diel basis (opting for chlorophyll during daylight hours when the absorption of sunlight is key, and switching to luciferin after dark when it’s time to emit light instead). wow, neat!

shine on you crazy diamond

now i am going to attempt to think across disciplines and touch on the spiritual significance of these crazy light makers. filling our heads with a bunch of data is all well and good, but what about tapping into some of that dinoflagellate and firefly medicine? what can we learn about our own souls by dwelling on the attributes of ctenophores and cephalopods? spirit guides (or in quinn’s recent terminology “spirit guys” as he announced of the dinosaurs he was drawing the other night) are our animal and plant brothers and sisters, to whom we can look for information about how we process the world around us. there is a lot of wisdom in nature, waiting there for us to just open our eyes and receive it. traditionally, a lot of literature on spirit helpers (also known as totem animals) focus mainly on vertebrates (birds, mammals, perhaps a reptile or two, occasionally a fish) and rarely you can even read about spirit guidance from the plant people, and even more rarely, from invertebrate animals, such as spiders or dragonflies, for instance. as we all know, however, most of nature is not made up of vertebrates, so i believe it is important to look far beyond the charismatic megafauna for the truths nature holds for us. i will be the first to admit that i go for the charismatic megafauna types, don’t get me wrong: dolphins are my numero uno totem, but i like to look to the sea urchins and the kelp for their wisdom too. the bioluminescent beings seem to have their own special brand of wisdom to gift us with. small though they might be, they are responsible for most of the light produced in the majority of the ocean’s volume! i am only going to go into detail on a small handful of light producing critters and their medicine, just to give you an idea of some of the endless possible ways you can use the spiritual truths found in nature to enhance your own spiritual walk.

dinoflagellates

these are single celled marine algae that make up a huge part of the base of the food web in the ocean. some are photosynthetic (over half), some heterotrophic (that means they engulf/eat other organisms), some are endosymbiotic zooxanthellae (meaning they live inside other creatures, for example corals, in a symbiotic mutualistic relationship) and still others parasitic. shall we say, they’re adaptable? always a nice trait to embody. so wait a minute, are they plants or are they….? yep, as heterotrophic photosynthetizers, dinoflagellates blur the lines between plant and animal, which makes me love them all the more. i think it’s important to realize that classification (taxonomy) is always a best guess/approximation and that nothing is ever truly black and white. i love organisms that defy our dualistic paradigms.

pyrocystis fusiformis dinoflagellate (~1mm)

dinoflagellates bioluminesce only upon disturbance. now there’s a spiritual tool for you- to learn how to glow your brightest when life sends you disturbances. they are responsible in large part for the glowing bow wakes, dolphin trails, and sparkling beach sand: if you drive your boat into them, they glow. again, we do not know exactly why they glow, but some speculate that they glow when a predator arrives to munch them, perhaps as a distraction; others think they do it to attract yet larger predators to the scene to take care of their predators. all i know is there is a lot to be learned from these 1-mm small beings. small is mighty! indeed, dinoflagellates are the organisms responsible for harmful algal blooms known as red tides- they are powerful indeed and not to be trifled with!

ctenophores:

off the top of my head, some of the attributes of comb jellies or ctenophores, who belong to their very own phylum (ctenophora) are: symmetry, simplicity, efficiency, flow, buoyancy, transparency… yet for all their grace and slow, quiet, twinkliness, they are voracious carnivores, again capable of achieving devastating results when too many of them bloom in one place. they waste no energy, producing nothing but light (no heat) from their glow, which in the case of ctenophores is again, maybe a defensive response, kind of a fake-out smoke-screen strategy.

they’ve got rhythm- their cilia (the “combs” of comb jellies) beat in a coordinated, sequential way- think of doing “the wave” at a baseball stadium. something else they can do is incorporate the stinging nematocysts of the prey they consume into their own tentacles- another one of those handy skills to be packing.

fireflies:

fireflies are a type of beetle (not flies, after all) making up the family lampyridae. all the eggs and larvae, and many of the adults of the various firefly species can luminesce. the larvae (who eat slugs- now there’s a trait i like in a totem animal, preying upon my gardening nemesis!) are presumed to be broadcasting that “we don’t taste good” through their use of bioluminescence, while the adults (who light up their abdomens in flash dialogues) are thought to primarily use light in mate attraction. they are tricky, though, and in some cases fireflies have been observed to lure in members of other firefly species by mimicking that species’ flash type, then gobbling them up when they unsuspectingly land hoping to mate. fireflies may also use light as a defensive mechanism- making light is useful, and not at all reserved for just one strategy.

again, the reaction going on in fireflies to create the light gives off almost no heat; compare this nearly 100% efficiency to that of an electric light bulb, which loses 90% to heat and turns only 10% of the energy into light. how do they turn their love light on (and off?) well, the  “exact mechanism has yet to be worked out.” translation: “we dunno.” (sounding familiar?)

the author begs your forgiveness for the scientific inaccuracy of these quick sketches- not intended for any kind of official use, just eye candy for my post!

dragonfish

i could not leave out dragonfish; though i did very little reading on them, other than in quinn’s copy of one nighttime sea, i couldn’t help but see the parallel between these dragons of the sea, and my dragons of the air, about which i posted a similar science-geek-spirit-helper-fest a few months back.  these crazy deep-sea fish can produce light in both the blue-green portion of the spectrum, and the red. this red light is especially unique in the deep ocean, where it cannot be seen without special tricky adaptations, and points to a truth about light and vision- that not only does the organism have to have the equipment to produce the light, it also must be able to see it. in the deep sea, almost nobody retains the ability to see red, but these dragonfish are true visionaries, and they can use this special red light to all kinds of advantage in the darkest of dark environments. more little dragons doing awesome things.

choose your own glowing totem

many, many other species display bioluminescence- this is only a very tiny sampling. in fact, according to the review i quoted above, it is estimated that bioluminescence evolved over 40 times, independently, just in the marine environment. but if it’s so darn useful, why doesn’t every marine (or freshwater, or terrestrial) organism produce visible light? you guessed it- we dunno. there are hardly any cases of bioluminescence observed in freshwater- such a striking contrast with the glowing ocean. i highly recommend reading up on more of these fascinating organisms, and incorporating them as your very own glowy spirit helpers.

light up your life

“we rode back to the ship on a carpet of stars and comets and streaks of lightning- some of the most amazing bioluminescence i’ve ever seen. i  leaned over the rail of the boat, watching the moon and the glowing feeding frenzy alternately” ~me, 3-17-01, mexico

want to go dancing on the stars, and swimming in sparkly water? it’s something i plan my vacation time around, and you can, too. a little internet searching can let you know what your best bet is for landing in a field of fireflies, or showing up on a beach at the most auspicious time for sparkling sand encounters. here on the oregon coast, i haven’t had any opportunities (yet!) to encounter bioluminescence, but now that quinn is a bit older, i plan to make it a priority for this summer to go walk on the beach under new moon darkness. summer is when nutrients and sunlight are more readily available to nourish plankton and also when we will be least likely to freeze our heinies off on the beach at night! happy coincidence. we hope to make an east coast pilgrimage in the warmer months, for a firefly encounter (oh yeah and to see family- just kidding, family is actually the priority but the fireflies will be a bonus!) i am also slated to be on a research cruise at the end of june, and am hopeful to see some bioluminescence while i’m out to sea.

here are some resources, if you want to do more reading:

the bioluminescence web page (full of illuminating info! including ways you can grow bioluminescent plankton at home– care to light up your homeschooling/unschooling science scene anyone?)

got older kids who want to see the (glowing) world? semesters at sea for high school and college students

here’s where i got some of my firefly info.

while you’re learning about bioluminescence, another aspect that is great to cover is conservation. like any other insect, fireflies are sensitive to the pesticides used so heavily in our current agricultural scheme. ocean health and plankton health are certainly sensitive to many anthropogenic disturbances as well. there are many rabbit holes to go down on this topic, but i’m refraining from mentioning too many depressing ones in this post- this one, i just wanted to let shine. 😉